Thursday, November 6, 2014

Tuesday Coffee Chat: THE RIGHT WAY

Rorey Bore has asked a question for Tuesday Coffee Chat that hits home with every parent.

Are you worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

So much anxiety punched into one question.  When you have kiddos, or other responsibilities, the worry of doing things rights AND doing the right things plague you all day long.  Or at least they plague me all day long.  

Should I give the baby a sippy cup yet?

How do I tell my daughter to go to her room and *that* and what if she asks why?

Should I move my rambunctious son into a different classroom?

And these questions were all just in ONE DAY.  

Everyone has the RIGHT answer.  You should do THIS but not THAT.  You should do it THIS WAY but not THAT WAY.  

I am kind of tired of hearing it actually.  Things change all the time.  

For instance, when Alexandria was born, her doctors and the American Pediatric Association told me she needed to sleep on her side.  Parents of the generation before me told me that their babies slept on their tummy, or their back, and that was the RIGHT way to do it.  

I think the worst of all it though, is the advice (well-intended or not) of the mom-shamers.  You know who they are.  The moms that troll through the internet (or play dates) and make other moms feel bad for their choices.  It can be about hot topic issues like vaccination - "you mean you want your child to be autistic?"  or it can be about everyday things - "your baby should sleep in her own crib or else she will never learn to sleep on her own and the crazy clowns will get her."  

It makes me want to scream!


As a parent responsible for another life I am already worried about doing things right AND doing the right things.  I already wonder why she won't laugh and only screeches like a dinosaur.  I wonder if her ability to grasp objects is "ahead of schedule."  Is the detergent in her diapers building up? How much should that shot bruise? Is she getting enough milk?

And that is just the baby. 

They wanted to scan my children's palms at school to give them lunch and only gave me a day or two to research and consider my stance.  My son needs to be tested for ADHD and I need to deal with that.  Athena and her therapy for SPD and anxiety (wonder where she gets that from...) is going well, but what happens when it is over?  How will I continue to help her?

And every one of these questions has a very simple answer.  I am the mother and their father and I, with the help of our trusted healthcare professional, will research and decide what is best for my child.  The RIGHT THING done the RIGHT WAY.

And that should be enough.  I mean, isn't that what you mom-shamers have done?  You researched and made a decision.  You put into place what you thought was best and it worked. It was the RIGHT THING for you.  

So why can't I do the same?

Everyday I put thought into doing the RIGHT THINGS the RIGHT WAY for my family.  

And that alone is comforting to me and causes me to stop and remember that I am doing my job.  Who cares what those mom-shamers say?  Besides, if we stop listening to them maybe they will go away.


  1. your last line - exactly: don't feed the trolls! :)

    It's so true that we moms can absolutely become riddled with anxiety over all the decisions we face regarding our children ... each and every day. You said it best: we do what we feel is the right thing for our family, and ignore the critics and shamers. And, if we can pass along support for another parent and tell them they are doing the best job they can: then we are sending out some positive notes into an already negative world.
    so... good job mom! You are doing Right! Just keep swimming :)

  2. I dreamed of having children and worried about exactly those questions you are asking. Very valid and tough ones, easier, but also harder in the age of the internet. And I also think you came to the right conclusion: You have to make the right decision for yourself, and then it is right :)
    And Leslie is right, too: Do not feed the trolls, ever.